I Wish I Never Met You (But I Do)

Watching you caress his face Brings such horror and disgrace To my feelings and Makes me feel like shit. You said we’d go at a steady pace Dunno what day – what time – Or what kinda place But I know – for me – this is it. I Wish I Never Met You. My life would be simple and so uncomplex. I Wish I Never looked into your eyes. It’s like i’m in a hex. I Wish I Never loved. When we arrived at that snow covered field, In late December when it was wet and chilled, You grabbed my hand and whispered sweetly That forever, you hold my hand – Right here! Right here! But I Do – I Am Glad I met you! Never thought I could love like this before The first time we danced I took a chance And the whole world was gone. ‘Twas like a trance –  That had to be the best day of my life. But the next day, in a rather sick way, I glanced over and saw you speakin’ – And huggin’ and kissin’ – Oh God! I was missin’ My mind! – I was watchin’ my love for you go sower. I never knew that ov’r me, you’d such power. So I walked away and hid in a bathroom And cried, cried, cried – My heart died. I Wish I Never Met You.  My life would be simple and so uncomplex. I Wish I Never looked in your eyes. It’s like I’m in a hex. I Wish I Never Loved. Finally, as the Jekyll-Hyde battle Raged inside my mind, We left for the field, hand in hand – And I left all my thoughts behind. You broke the news – All these flashes and hues – Started flashin’ ev’rywhere! It was like I was dieing Because the love wasn’t there. The love wasn’t there. But It Was.

Charlie Blue of 1902

In the year 1902,There was a baby named Charlie Blue.He was the sweetest baby there ever was,Until he got a coffee buzz.        His father foolishly lost his coffee one morn,Two years after his cute, little baby was born.As the coffee touched his lips,Evil spread from his head to his hips…(And feet.)      He grabbed a gun,And aimed at the sun,Fired,And all was dark.      “Now,” he thought. “What Should I Steal?Should I steal a McDonald’s Happy Meal?Nah, I should steal something worth the while,Like an atomic bomb blueprint file!Or maybe I should start out simpleAnd steal a small invention of Professor Pimple’s.Yes! That’s it! That’s it!I’ll steal his machine called the Automatic Pop-A-Zit!That thing’s worth million!Maybe billions! Zillions! Bazillions!”        Now Charlie Blue, who was only twoKnew what he would steal!It was an invention that had two hands That would pop all your zits for you!    As Charlie Blue unlocked the lab door,He thought he heard a monstrous boar.Nope. It was just the neighbor’s dog, Lassie,That lived at the corner of Parkway and Gassy.        Eventually, that door did unlockWhen Charlie Blue smacked it with a soggy sock.Charlie snuck in on his tippiest toesAnd tripped over many gift bows.        Charlie looked upAnd saw he was caught.The police screamed at him,“Stick ‘em up, punk!”         At the courthouse, at eleven past three,The Official Judge Bobby did decree, “I sentence this boy to five years in jailAnd just for my amusement, NO BAIL!        And that is the story of old Charlie Blue,Who robbed a scientist in 1902.I wonder how jail affected the chap,Why don’t we ask him, he’s right over there?He’s the one with leather on And the tattoo of Genghis Khan.

Side Effects

Heart Attack,Broken Back,Fractured Skull,Dented Hull,Sore Hips,Chapped Lips,Hair loss,Bad boss,Good grades,Rude maids,Cracked Knees,Buzzing Bees,Poison Oak,Stupid Bloke,Scoliosis,Osteoporosis,Burning Bladder,Broken Ladder,Constipation,Evaporation,Heart Burn,Sun burn,Pink Eye,Bad Lie,Bruising,Cruising,Runny noise,Garden Hose,Annoying Date,Lessons to Ice-skate,Death,Life,Multiple Cancers,Really Bad Dancers,Chicken Pox,Smelly Socks,Polio,And a Stale Oreo.

Actrioductorium

The Girl with an oversized craniumInvented the Actrioductorium.It was a clever deviseThat gave advice and scared head lice.It also read fortunes.It read books.It gave suspicious looks.It shot movies.It shot ducks.It was worth a million bucks.It played music.It played cards.It mimicked clowns and bards.It walked dogs.Dogs walked it.It created a compact cooking kit.It baked cookies.It baked cake.It cleaned leaves with a macho sized rake.It performed surgeries.It performed plays.It loved to eat chips called “Lays.”It wrote novels.It wrote tickets.It invented an instrument called clickets.It held fish.It held flowers.It had superhuman powers.It called the neighbors.It called, “Hey You!”It taught itself to play the kazoo.It liked to play checkers.It liked to play chess.It liked to milk a cow named Bess.It liked to laugh.It loved to cry.The only thing it hatedWas a single, solitary, little fly.

Marshmallow Head

Marshmallow headGot out of bedTo see how his day would start.      He would have breakfastThen Go To the ParkGet teased by his peersAnd Go Hide in the Dark.      He came homeAt eleven past fiveAnd saw his cheery parents With two razor sharp knives.      He asked, “Mommy? Daddy? What’s going on?”His parents replied, “Don’t get us wrong.We love you dearly but we want a smore.”His parents got closer, and closer, and more.      Marshmallow head said, “Please don’t use me.You can buy plenty of marshmallows at the store.”“Yes, but none are like you,” Said his parents, two.      “You will taste best of all.In a minute or two,Your life will be thru,And so will this sad, little poem.”

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